The Lesson, and not the house.

imageRecently, my husband, Kevin and I were looking for our first house. It only took a few houses when I spotted this beautiful new build and wanted to see it before the others. We showed up and fell in love. It was on a hill, built Tudor style, with earth tones and some white, big old trees on the front hill of the house and the woods beginning at the back of the yard. Inside open, spacious with the master bedroom on the main floor to save all the stairs climbing. We explored the woods out back to find where it met my favorite hiking trails, and I envisioned vegetable gardens on the plateaus of the rolling backyard slope. It was perfect. There was a woman, a potential buyer on the phone appearing in the works of purchasing the house, and thats when we acted fast, made a reasonable offer and poof the house was ours!
We left for home and I processed what just happened to suddenly shift with panic and concern that I made a major mistake. The dead end street with all of seven homes had no children for our two young boys to play. I thought to myself, “I would lonely with Kevin away on work, the winters are grey and dismal, the woods are scary and quiet at nighttime. I returned the next day knocking on the neighbors doors to no answer at several houses, an elderly coupl at another, and then their grandsons renting the house across the street. I went to my husband and said I have a pit in my stomach about this house because there are no children around. I called Ken and told him my “issue”, and he responded, “you can drive to parks can’t you”. But no, I was insistent that I not feel isolated with the children, especially in the grayness of winter. I returned again with my best friend, Michelle, her children and mine, and let the children explore the crawl space in the upstairs, then the woods, and rested in the backyard watching them play. We chatted about my concerns, (neglecting to experience the sun, breeze, grass and sounds of life in the woods)and then I discovered a turkey feather laying by my side; I said to Michelle, “look its a sign, maybe this house was meant for us.”
Kevin suggested it would be a great house and it would work out. And he also heard my concerns.
After 2 days of all-consuming lament, discussions with my parents, sitters, friends; they all agreed with me that we needed children around (but for me my spiritual journey requires time in nature and solitude as my discipline!) so we backed out of the contract!
I experienced so many lessons for this experience!
I asked my friend and real estate agent to weasel us back out of our contract which was asking him to compromise his integrity. This was my first lesson.
Second; I compromised my integrity, and my word with my agent by going back on my word. All my understanding of Integrity and the Power of Words disappeared because my ego was ruling me.
Third; I never considered that I would be giving Kevin the greatest amount of pleasure with the peace and nature for him to return from work. I was self centered.
And fourth; I did not have faith in the Energies with all their messages. Where was my faith?
Days later we found a new house in a beautiful neighborhood littered with children. It wasn’t until I lost the house that I realized what I had lost. The house was a gift to me. It was in fact perfect for our family. For building fires, for having deer and rabbits in our backyard in the quiet mornings, and hawks flying above the woods, for building forts, time with our friends in nature, foraging for plant food, for the space, clean air, peace to meditate, and so much more.
I spoke to Ken mentioning how I had a pit in the stomach and “Didn’t it mean I had a gut feeling?” And of course, he replied in his all-Knowing awareness to awaken me to my truth, “No that was fear. You are never alone Jodi.”
Fear took over and the Energies could not reach me. The Energies did everything they could to gift me and my family that house; the woman making an offer the exact time we went to view the home to motivate our quick offer, my initial love for the house before seeing it and then in person, there feather by my side, a hawk soaring above, and I chose fear.
I feel pain for this loss. And I am reminded in life we always have choice. The Energies cannot force us to do anything, and they are working with us to bring us to the experience, almost at any cost, of Who we Really are- Unconditional love and compassion. If we are open to their guidance it is a pleasurable Journey and if we are so clouded by our egos, then we experience hard knocks. We come to forks in the road to choose love, or fear and the ego. I didn’t get the dream house (love), I got the lesson ( for my ego). May I learn from it, be aware and have faith of future messages, and keep on keeping on as Ive committed on this spiritual journey. I vow to deepen my inner silence, and feel the gifted feather in my hands. I bow to the Energies for the lesson. It was just as much a gift as the house would have been.

Beguiled by the dark forces

red-tailed-hawk-02-san-juan-islands-washington

I really recommend you first watch the Introduction videos on Journeywithamodernmystic.com before watching the other videos and reading my blogs so you understand the Journey.  Note: I mention experiences with Ken.  It is not the personnality of ‘Ken’ rather the Energies that create these experiences.

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I have a commitment to my spiritual process, specifically dates and times I meet with Ken.

I have reached a point in my journey that Ken allows me to choose when I want to meet and work on my struggles/ego.

Work with the ego is never done.  You could mostly lose your ego before you die, and you would still have moments reminding you of your fleshly existence. For example; knowing you are not a body to overcome physical pain,  temptations of your ego,  slips of your personality getting in the way of being a servant of love ,  and maybe old family and friends interacting with the old personality which you have worked to no longer experience.

Well to come from my own experience;  I knew I needed to look at some aspects of my ego when I made a new friend. This friend was single (unlike myself; married and with a young child) and I thought it would be fun to go out to the bar and skip my morning session with Ken.  I saw an opportunity to flirt,  dress cute and sassy, see the young faces of my peers- the late 20 somethings  and see what they were doing.  I had been busy for two years spiritually and responsibly as a mother.  This would be a blast from the past Jodi.  A boost for my ego.  I could get some attention.

I met with Ken the Wednesday before to let him know I wouldn’t make Fridays session.  Ken had loosened the reins, after intensively giving me experiences of psycho-puncture to rid my ego and its systems of functioning.  His Shaman Master had punctured through his ego facade by the same treatment.  (I will save this for a whole other blog).

I said to Ken, “I feel like the night could be fun, and I would really like to hang out with ‘so and so’ “.  We were  driving in my car when I spotted a red-tailed hawk on the grass behind a school fence.  If you are not familiar with the image of a red-tailed hawk, they are beautiful. I mistook them for owls for a long time because I had seen owls in the area.  He said this was an omen.  The Energies were speaking to me.  He asked me questions, “How did you experience this new friend?”  “What are you really wanting to experience with this night?”  All guiding me to my own truth that I concealed; the ego is tricky!!  I was beguiled by my ego’s desires. I know what is truly for my highest good.  We sat chatting in the car about my truth now revealed; wanting to be flirty, looking sexy, getting attention, being with the 20-somethings….and a second hawk flew down in front of the car not more than 1o feet away then up into a tree to rest.

Ken’s redundancy rang in my ears, true and loving, “Jodi, your ego will kill you.”  He continued with new words and put the Journey in crystal clear perspective that I shivered from their profound truth. “I am telling you…you have entered a Journey and it is not a game.  The Principles you are now aware you cannot use for the Dark forces.  The Principles are a gift that have been shared with you.”

I know I have choice in my life.  And the choice with what I now know.  I want the highest good for myself, and the highest good for everyone, so the choice is clear.

I feel pain when I choose my ego, and pleasure when I choose Who I Really Am.  I/Love!  I am so moved by this truth in this Now moment as I write because I am still wrestling with my ego, and letting the external madness seep into my pure soul. Today, I got caught in the web of material goods, and beauty.  It was empty.

In case you are curious, I didn’t go out that night.  I shared my truth, with this friend, that I was going out for the wrong reasons.  I needed to share with her my truth so she would know I wouldn’t be interested again, and not to take it personally.

I have come to these crossroads a lot in my current days.  I need to practice my disciplines (yoga, solitude, meditation, being in nature, acts of kindness, deeply connecting with my son and husband) to overcome the duality, the illusion and become Nada, and in the Now.

Love to you! Peace for you!  And joy joy joy!!

 

The Spoiled Little Child

This morning Joseph, my 2.5 year old son, Ken, and I set out for a walk in the woods.  It turned out to be a fit in the woods.

It has been 2.5 years I claimed myself to be a sensitive, and loving Attachment parent. In fact, I have only drove myself into rage with Joseph which I would never call sensitive or loving.  It is difficult raising a child when you are still coming out of your Spoiled Little Brat.  For too long now appeasing Joseph’s every demand has pushed me beyond my boundaries.

Alas, today was going to be different for him, and for both our highest good.  I allowed him to have one of his first temper tantrums/bouts of rage.  He found his spot on the trail and for 25 minutes squirmed and flailed his body around on the ground, kicking the dirt, screaming and snarling the word “Nuuurse!!”, whilst turning red in the face.  I knew he was not deprived of any need after a hearty breakfast; porridge, berries and a whole banana.  He drank water, too.  We nursed at the beginning of the trail.  And not after 5 minutes, he wanted to nurse again.   I said “No, Joseph, when we go back to the car we will have water.” We would return in 30 minutes so I knew he would be fine.

Joseph is learning sometimes he will not get what he wants.  And there are a number of reasons;  when he is in danger, when he cannot have a food which is poor for his health,  when taking something at the expense of another and so on.  I say at the expense because I have followed an illusion that giving Joseph all he demands is being giving and loving.  And this illusion, has only made Joseph the brunt of my own neither loving, nor giving, rage!

Joseph needs boundaries; and some involve my boundaries as a human, too.

I have learned lessons of being a Spoiled Brat in my Twenties (Adulthood!) and now I want to save Joseph from learning so late.

We both learned today.  When Joseph eventually calmed down, I asked him, “Are you ready to walk back to the car and get some water,” I reached out my hand, he said in a sweet surrendering voice, “Yeah, walk back to the car.”  I told him he did really well hearing “No”, and I loved him.  We had a peaceful walk back pointing at the geese, bumping into friends,  and I carried him in my arms,  heart-to-heart.

He learned his boundaries and I restored mine.  I am the adult, Joseph is the child, therefore I set the boundaries.

(I am adding this now in the evening) after the Energies have shared with me the coincidence of two messengers who passed us during Joseph’s temper tantrum.  The first older woman said, “some adults don’t even understand ‘no'”.  The second woman; “it’s better he learn it now.”

Note: We did not interact with Joseph.  We only stood there talking to each other and kept an eye on him.  We did not pay his behavior any attention.

Jodi’s Blog

My first blog is coming soon!